Mihail Sebastian

Jurnal

17 December 1941

The Union of communities has been dissolved and replaced with a “Central Office.” A new census will begin of all inhabitants “of Jewish blood.”[…]

“Go over to Catholicism! Convert as quickly as you can! The Pope will defend you! He’s the only one who can still save you.” For several days I have been hearing this same refrain. This morning Comsa, this evening Aristide and Alice, asked me in all seriousness why I am still waiting. I don’t need arguments to answer them, nor do I search for any. Even if it were not so grotesque, even if it were not so stupid and pointless, I would still need no arguments. Somewhere on an island with sun and shade, in the midst of peace, security and happiness, I would in the end be indifferent to whether I was or was not Jewish. But here and now I cannot be anything else. Nor do I think I want to be.

Today, more acutely then before, I had the feeling that it is not true, that everything is terrible unreal, that I am trashing about as in a nightmare, that I am sinking beneath it, – and that I must wake up. So long as I don’t go mad! At times I feel so tired that I am afraid I will crack up and lose control of myself.

Hm…and I thought this Decembre was hard for me…

Advertisements